i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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