if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
thus making me awesome and them whores
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
