mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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