Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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