So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
