I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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