I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
