Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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