I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He shit in the fireplace
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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