When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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