i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize