Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
