i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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