so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
