i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
