3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
