He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
