but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
