it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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