DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
