I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
