I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
a search helicopter?!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
