one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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