first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
