i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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