Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
