You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
