I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
