my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
