My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
