Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
