EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
