I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
