He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
