Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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