you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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