I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
