oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
