look no pants
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
whose parrot is this?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
