My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
