I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
