KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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