just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
