Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
