she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
