if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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