We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
