Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
