dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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