I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We named our party play list daddy issues
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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