I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i already hear my dad disowning me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
