i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
